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Gandhi Quote and a Frozen Burrito

2007-03-23

I have always thought I believed in destiny. I never thought anything I did mattered. I assumed that if something was meant to happen there was no stopping it. The future was set in stone. I had believed strongly in destiny for as long as I can remember. The funny thing is beliefs can change.

I was looking through the freezer for something quick and easy to make. I found a frozen burrito-perfect. I pulled back the plastic and set the frozen burrito on the plate. I was about to open the microwave when suddenly I panicked. It was raining outside. Every story I have ever heard about people being killed from using the microwave jumped into my mind. I have always just pushed these stories aside with a wave of my hand. I had no reason to worry. I believed in destiny so I could go outside in the middle of a tornado and be fine, as long as death or injury were not a part of my destiny.

Why was I so scared then? When did I begin to be so fearful? I always thought of myself as a calm, worry free person. Growing up the only thing I feared was my mom and blindness-both still scare me. I had to step back from the situation, mentally. I know I do not want fear to rule my life. I also know that when you give in to that fear, when you avoid things because of the fears you are no longer in control. I cooked the burrito and nothing happened.

I do not know how I feel about destiny anymore but that's okay. Gandhi once said, "Live life as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as is you were to live forever." We must continue to learn even if learning causes us to question are beliefs. Nothing is set in stone so continue to learn and don't be afraid to question everything.

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In the Dark of the Night

2007-03-21

My sleep is so messed up. I have always been a night person but lately I haven't been falling asleep until 8 or 9 am. I do most of my writing at night-there are less interruptions that way. I am also extremely sensitive to light so my schedule works for me. The only problem occurs when I am blocked or unmotivated and everyone else is asleep or at work.

Tonight, or this morning to some, I have no motivation to write anything serious. I want to take a break from my book. I want to step back and get a fresh perspective tomorrow. I have many ideas but I know that if I write them now, with this lack of passion, all of my words will be meaningless. A writer should be above all else, sincere. A writer must feel every word, experience every emotion that your character does. I just don't think it's fair to my characters, which take on a life of their own inside my mind, to write under these circumstances.

Now what? That is the question I am facing. I don't want to watch tv. I feeling to lazy to read and everyone is asleep. Now what do I do. Thinking without distraction always leads me down paths I do not want to take. I could drive myself crazy with my thoughts. . .have to do something. . .have to stay busy. This post has taken up some time but maybe now I will try to get some sleep.

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Release

2007-03-19

The official release date of "Porcelain Perception" is May 15, 2007.  Early copies can be ordered through my website but I have to prepare for the release.  This is my first published book and it means a lot to me, this is my baby.  I am thrilled that I have been given the opportunity to share a piece of my soul through my words.  I only hope someone will read this and feel something-anything.

The book will be available through amazon.com, B&N, and many other book stores in the US and England.  Several newspapers have been notified in Ohio but there is still so much to do.  I never imagined that the easiest part of this process would be writing the book.  There are times when I am overwhelmed by the heavy work load and stress that goes along with writing and publishing a book.  I am also trying to write a second book.  I have 67,789 words on my first draft.  It's not a terrible word count but I still have a lot of work to do, not to mention editing.

I just hope I remember why I wrote this book and not let the stress overshadow the pure joy and peace I feel when I write.  I need to finish some work but I will blog again another day. . .hopefully soon.

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shoutpost

2007-03-16

I blog amost daily and I love that there are so many people, other than myself, enjoy blogs.  I have only been on this website for two days and I still have so much to learn.  It's as if I have landed in a completely different world and I have to explore before I feel at ease.  A few things I want to know are how to add friends.  I just foud out how to read blogs so I may do that.   I will write more later.

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Why I wrote "Porcelain Perception".

2007-03-15

I was finally getting things together. I had overcome a long battle with Depression. I had a job I liked, it didn't pay well but it got me by. I had moved out of my parent's home and my social life was flourishing. I was not the shy girl I was growing up. I was out every night with my friends. I had a blast no matter where I was. I was happy and everything seemed bright and new. Happiness cannot last forever; life is a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes the ride goes down a steep hill and we can't see anything beyond what is below us.

I have always been very sensitive to light. I have always preferred darkness. Even now, as I write this my only light is a dim touch lamp and a strand of Christmas lights. When I pass sirens on the streets, I have to look away. The light will throw me into a dizzy spell. My eyes un focus, everything becomes a blur of white light and gray shapes. My world begins to spin. I no longer control anything I do. I can talk to you but I will not make sense. I can walk but not very well. I bump into walls, fall over everything in my way.

I have been like this my entire life but it didn't become a real problem until I was twenty.

I knew that it was getting worse but I didn't want anyone to know. I had just put my family and friend's through a horrible ordeal with my Depression. I didn't want to make them worry so I tried to hide it. I am not good at faking things so everyone around me soon found out. I worked in a kitchen with fluorescent lights on the ceiling above me. I was sent home from work on a daily basis by the time I was twenty-one. My bosses and coworkers were wonderful about helping me. They gave me a lighter load at work and covered all of my missed shifts without every complaining. I knew this wasn't fair to them. They could never plan anything while I was sick but sometimes the hardest thing to do is admit you cannot do something.

My health was failing and I was starting to get scared. My boss had just told me I couldn't come back to work until I found out what was wrong with me. The doctor's I had seen in the past had told me I had vertigo. He told me that it was more than vertigo and until I got a diagnosis, I could not go back to work. Now, I had to see the doctor.

I made an appointment with my doctor. I didn't have insurance but my doctor, who has been my doctor since I was a child, gave me a discount so I only had to pay a fraction of the costs. I went to my appointment. The preformed some tests on me, an EKG and a few other tests I had taken before. All of the results were normal. The levels in my blood were fine. Once again, I was diagnosed with Vertigo and told to intake my sodium. I did just that but the vertigo returned. This time it was bad.

I don't remember much of my hospital visit but I have been told I was not even aware of my name. I couldn't add simple numbers so my family rushed me to the E.R. I was put through more tests and everything came back negative. I was diagnosed with Chronic Vertigo. I went back to the E.R. several times before I was sent off for more tests. The doctors' at the hospital kept telling me that they knew there was something wrong with me they just had no idea what it was.

I was devastated by the time I went for an MRI. I had no money left; I was living with my brother and sister-in-law. I had no social life and I spent most of my time in bed because the vertigo took hold of me on a daily basis. I was back in dark place and I was willing to do anything to get out of it. Even have an MRI (I am extremely claustrophobic). The results of my MRI were negative. I had no diagnosis. I had no more money. I had lost my apartment. I had lost my freedom.

I was at my last rope when I found it, the manuscript I had written years earlier. I have written many manuscripts in my life but I normally read them, thought they were terrible, and destroyed them. Why had I saved this, I wondered. I sat down on my bedroom floor and read the entire manuscript. I set it down and I didn't hate it. It needed some work and I had nothing but time.

I sat down and rewrote the story. I kept a lot, the characters were the same but many things had changed. I gave Melody, the main character, my mysterious illness but I gave her something I didn't have. I gave Melody answers. Through her, I found my own diagnosis and my cure. She experiences the things that caused me to create her. "Porcelain Perception" is Melody's story and my story.

I still suffer from the illness they call Vertigo but I am learning to deal with it. Everyday gets a little easier and everyday I think of Melody and I keep going, she keeps me strong.

 

 

 

 

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